Went to the doctor today and immediately felt my symptoms settle down a bit, effectively gaslighting myself so it felt like I was exaggerating everything I was feeling. Doctor was able to chalk some of it to post-Covid gland swelling, so we’re just going to wait for a bit for the symptoms to either disappear or worsen with the week.

Strangely, I found myself compelled to stream because I felt myself slipping into that sense of complacency that since I was able to do successful sessions before then I was already able to prove to myself that I can focus on the work and this is usually the time I drop projects/attempts at forming good habits. I’m not sure if that’s a normal thing or a tactic as a chronic procrastinator, but whatever it is, it’s sneaky and it has to change.

Here’s the stream:

It’s still super strange to me to talk about writing so openly (openly na ba ‘to) dahil may bahid ng pagka-burgis para sa’kin ‘yung magkaoras para gawin ang gusto mo. So either burgis na ako o nagpakatotoo na talaga ako na kahit wala sa kultura ko ang maging deliberate about the writing kailangan kong gawan ito ng paraan on a semi-daily/bi-weekly basis kung gusto ko talagang gumaling dito (o umayos man lang).

‘Yung pag-stream hindi ko rin maintindihan, siguro nakakatulong ‘yung konsepto na may imaginary audience. Pero siguro parte rin nito ‘yung hindi ko kasi alam ang itsura ng paglaan talaga ng oras para sa pagsusulat. Puro kasi output ng ibang writer nakikita ko, and super ganda ng experience ko when I joined a small writing focus group kung saan nagkikita-kita lang kami online para magsulat. Baka simulan ko uli ito o isali sila sa stream (kung gusto nila), pero saka na ‘yon. Meanwhile, papasok n’ako bye.