Ang aking Tagalog novel (working title: Hoy Pong! previously known as Pangkantong Gabay sa Pagiging Ganap) ay ipa-publish early next year ng My Avenida (publisher ng Trese, Kikomachine Komix, mga libro ni Bob Ong, Eliza Victoria, Eros Atalia at marami pang ibang manunulat na Pinoy)—basically my dream publishing house as far back as I can remember.

E saan pa ba ako pupunta para sumigaw kundi dito?

May mga very early character studies ako sa Inggles para sa nobelang ‘to na matatagpuan sa Fiction/Verse category, pero sa totoo lang, mas nabuhay ang kwento ko the moment I started writing it in Filipino. Ewan ko kung bakit. When I started writing in Filipino certain things and dialogues and realities about the story came alive. Lumakas ang atikabong ng ulan sa bubong ng jeep, sumidhi ang galit ng isang character na lagi na lang third wheel, sumidhi ang alulong ng aso sa kanto—tila may sinasabi.

Hindi ito ang unang nobelang sinulat ko.

My first novel (full, finished, revised, and sent out to 100 agents with zero bites—that’s another story), a young adult dystopian chururut about teenagers running wild in the desert, was written in English. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I grew up consuming Western media across the board: comics, TV, brands, fiction, encyclopedia, lahat. Maybe it’s because I had cousins who moved to the States for reasons that were never explained to me such that I thought that was the ideal trajectory I should strive for: go to America, that’s where the good life is.

It never occured to me then, what was missing from my media diet of blue-eyed, white girls speaking English and starring in great adventures and romances and mysteries. At least not in the way where I could challenge why I defaulted to writing white characters whenever I try to come up with my own fiction. Colonization is so insiduous the battle right now is almost completely inside ourselves, it feels like. See A Reading History.

Beyond mysteries and thrillers and romance, the genre closest to my heart is speculative fiction, and within that, the genre that has repeatedly blown my mind is scifi. Science, or at least the way science has been taught to me, is somewhat inherently Western (even if it is most certainly not), all white names discovering white-sounding theories, so it seemed that the only way to write a credible scifi story is to write it as a white person would.

And almost always I would abandon these stories or stop in the middle of writing them because I can’t quite get into it enough. Not enough to know what it feels like to live in the suburbs: I don’t know the smell of wallpaper in the average American state, I don’t know what seasons feel like, I don’t know enough to make me write like an insider. I just very viscerally felt like it was not my world. (Don’t take this to mean I don’t think mainland Pinoys can’t write white characters, I just mean the effort I need to expend to research to sound credible enough to myself overshadows the desire to finish these stories.)

But I kept trying, mostly because I didn’t know there was another option. Short story after short story, chapter after chapter, Sweet Valley-esque characters prancing around my pages like they owned the place.

Until one day, mostly because (and this is a phrase I use twice in my novel) ano pa bang natitira, I tried writing in Tagalog. Nung nagsisimula palang ako, Tag-lish, na valid naman for sure, pero noong nakuha ko na ang groove ko, nagtersera na’ko sa Tagalog and never looked back.

Dahil isinulat ko ito sa Tagalog, lumutong ang lahat ng mura, at lumihis na ang tendency ko na i-explain ang premise in a scientific way toward something a bit more natural and organic and almost environmental. Tungkol kasi ito sa mga hugis-taong nilalang na yari sa labis na enerhiyang ginugugol ng tao sa pag-iisip tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi naman nagmamanifest sa kasalukuyan. So super tempting magpaka-neuroscience eme para bigyang kredibilidad ‘yung kwento ko. Pero dahil Tinagalog ko, napilitan akong ipakita kung paano gumalaw ang mga nilalang na ito sa mundo, imbes na mag-wax scientific tungkol sa origins nila.

Anyway.

I swear I’ll get better at blogging these things, pero for now gusto ko lang markahan ang week na ito dahil itong week na ito ako pumirma ng kontrata. So totoo na, magiging libro na ang nobela sa utak ko, sa wakas. Sana magustuhan ninyo. Kung may mga tanong kayo sa’kin o mga gustong mabasa dito sa blog, mangyari lamang ay i-Viber n’yo ako ako mag-comment kayo dito.

What’s on my mind:

• Saan ako kukuha ng author picture? Glamour shot ba ang habol ko? Candid? Comedy? Passport picture peg o driver’s license? (Voters ID ko kung gusto n’yo ng away.)
• ‘Yung isang memory ko in my early twenties, San Miguel days, habang tinatahak ng puti naming FX na minamaneho ng tatay ko ang daan sa may ilog bago mag-Riverbanks Mall, kinukwento ni Jimmy Gil sa AM radio kung paanong kinukumbinse s’ya ni Mike Enriquez na mag-aspire maging manager o umakyat ng pwesto from radio commentator (medyo matanda na rin kasi si Jimmy Gil). Tumawa lang siya at sinabi na kapag naging manager s’ya pwede pa ba s’yang maging commentator e syempre hindi, so humindi siya sa offer. Naangasan ako sa implikasyon ng sagot niyang ‘yon, at doon unang nabuo ang teorya ko sa mundo ng “pagtatrabaho.”
• Naha-highblood ako sa mga conversations surrounding the upcoming elections at lubhang nalulungkot sa sinapit ng mga kababayan natin dahil sa misinformation campaigns ng mga taong nagtatapon ng pera. To a certain extent feeling ko kailangan ng masidhing deprogramming para sa mga naniwala dito.
• Ang pag-iwas kong tapusin ang available episodes ng Twenty-Five Twenty-One dahil tila masasaktan ata ako kung hindi happy ending. Na-binge ko tuloy yung Business Proposal na unapologetically fluff dahil sa cute na cute na female lead. Pinanood ko na rin tuloy ang Stranger kakaiwas sa 25 21.
• May tatlong pares ako ng fingerless gloves. Ginagamit ko sila para sabihin sa utak ko na panahon nang either magsulat o magtrabaho.
• May isa pa akong load ng labada na pending. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano’ng nangyari this month para makalimutan kong maglaba all month. Panty de peligro.
• Sumali ako ng musical improv last month at akalain mo sa Tuesday showcase na namin?