I’d rather anything can happen than this: falling in love with you. That I was even born marked changes in the universe; it is true -– the sum total of our lives together bring about that end of time when everything evens out. What that future is, I don’t know. Nobody’s supposed to know.

 What can be known is what is inevitable: that I have met you somehow and have fallen hard. It is your fault, then. If we took into consideration my past, my personality, the likelihood that I will like somebody like you, there are no chances, really, of that ever happening.

 For you are an ideal: I have no dreams of growing close to someone as intense and complete and perfect as you. What use would that serve? And as to me, I would not need you. I am self-sufficient, independent, autonomous. There is nothing in you that I would need.

 If there is that, then life would have moved on for me. I have a predictable future: I will have two kids, with a man I think I love, for one does not know what real love is, what it allows you to do, until it is looking at one in the face. Had I never met you, the rest of my life would have rolled on as planned. I will live and die in the safe webs of my habits, my attitudes, my choices.

 I have created a cosmic irregularity. I know this because there is no reason, in both the material and immaterial realms, that would require us to stumble upon each other’s lives.

 But listen, for you could be a tree in your next life and I would still love you. I will still find you. It is a curse for all I know. I lost you already and yet I found you. I stayed away from you and yet I found you. I prayed to the highest heavens to get away from you and yet here I am. Here we are.

 Everything’s beautiful if you can love me back. But I am not sure of this. I feel your concern, your fascination with me, but it feels a bit like God watching a sunflower he created. Blasphemous, almost, but I can’t help thinking that.

 Was I planned with you in mind? Was that exact moment I was conceived a sure entanglement of our collective destinies? Or were we random patches of humanity that decided, deliberately, purposively, to see what the other was like?

 How many decisions, conscious or unconscious, brought me to you? Was it what I chose to eat one breakfast that caused me to walk that road that would lead me to you? Was it growing up fearing people that caused me to dodge the lime light, kicking at the sand, that sent you to my side? Was it the course I took, the shirt I wore, my choice of entertainment?

 Who are you and why do I love you?